What we might call the Tenor of our Times - "curiouser and curiouser" - has just turned into "crazier and crazier" with recent attacks on every National, State, and Local symbol in the book.
My own academic background is as a cultural historian, meaning I find most Mobs-versus-Monuments attacks extremely disturbing, akin to the toppling of giant statues by the Taliban and unheard-of in our own United States since those crazy kids in Indian costumes threw sacks of tea into the drink 240 years ago.
Among protesters' (unfortunately) successful attacks on anything whatsoever that reflects the U.S. Civil War - a crucial period in our Nation's history that students, teachers, and everybody else needs to learn more about, not less - have been calls to abolish several State flags, which are deemed "too Confederate," including the enormously interesting flag of Maryland, which professional flag fanciers have voted one of the most beautiful used in North America.
This flag does have a Civil War history - and it's a fascinating one. The yellow and black quadrants of the flag are based on the coat-of-arms of the Calvert family, founding fathers of the State. The newer red and white quadrants are based on the heraldic ensign of the first Lord Baltimore's (George Calvert's) mother, Alicia Crossland, and were meant to reflect Maryland's ambiguous Border State status throughout the War Between the States, as well as the fact that it was the site of several major battles, including Bloody Antietam.
While we are for preserving American history -
and values - and culture - for their own sake, as well as providing a base for our National Identity, maybe the best way to illustrate how wrong-headed these Mobs-against-History attacks have become is by showing that theoretically, there is something "wrong" with just about every symbol anybody uses for any purpose whatsoever.
A future PFUN will take up the subject of selectively offensive Monuments and National Parks.
But on the subject of State Flags . . . . . Heck, every one of 'em offends somebody - possibly You. Here are just 10 prominent Flagfenders.
1. California: Anti-Wall Street groups may take issue with the Bear Flag of the State of California. (Yes, that's what this flag, picturing a California grizzly bear, is popularly known as.)
As we all know, several groups of prominent Short Sellers are based in California, and the Bear Flag without a doubt encourages them to crash markets and create havoc with impunity. So why not replace the Bear Flag with a Bull Flag?
Animal rights groups have a good case against the Bear Flag, too. The model for the Bear is widely thought to be Monarch, the last California grizzly bear in captivity, captured in 1889 at the request of controversial media magnate William Randolph Hearst.
The poor creature was exhibited to crowds of hooligans, small children, and hooligan small children, first at Woodward Gardens, then at the Golden Gate Zoo, both in San Francisco. After his death in 1911, Monarch was preserved by a taxidermist and became an exhibit for gawkers at the San Francisco Academy of Sciences.
2. Connecticut: Want to discourage alcohol abuse? Then campaign against the outrageous flag of Connecticut, which not only resembles the label on a wine bottle, but prominently features three grapevines, each featuring three bunches of purple grapes.
The excuse is that the flag reflects Connecticut's historical progress from an amalgamation of diverse settlements into a centralized Colony and subsequently a State. The three grapevines are a vast improvement over the original flag design, which featured a whopping 15 vines, for 15 settlements. The remaining three vines represent the three oldest settlements in the State - Windsor, Wethersfield, and Hartford.
3. Illinois: States' rights advocates have a lot to take issue with in the Flag of Illinois. The flag depicts an Eagle holding a banner with the words of the State motto, "State Sovereignty, National Union," possibly the most vehement defense of a decentralized government among any State motto.
But the motto was established way back in 1818. By 1868, when the current flag was adopted, the Land of Lincoln had gone through a bloody Civil War, along with the rest of the country, and redesigned its flag to reflect admiration for a highly centralized government, capable of imposing Union, even if that meant the heaviest of hands.
The Eagle - an agressive and downright Evil-looking depiction of our National bird - seems to have been playing with words, so that the two phrases in the motto are reversed. The word Union is up on top, while the word State, looking bedraggled, is at the very bottom, under the word Sovereignty, intentionally printed upside-down.
Moreover, the drive for the new anti-States' rights flag was spearheaded by a Boy-Named-Sharon, then the Illinois Secretary of State. 'Nuff said.
4. Iowa: As opposed to Illinois's Satanic-looking Eagle, the one in Iowa's suspect-on-grounds-of-Patriotism flag is so dainty and effete, it looks more like a Swan.
And the flag itself was openly based on the Tricolor National flag of France, supposedly because Iowa was the northernmost part of the French Louisiana Territory.
But from afar - or maybe not that afar - the intricately folded ribbon banner the bird holds looks very much like Korean Hangul ideographs. Whether South Korean or North Korean, we don't know. And certainly, the Swan-Eagle isn't saying anything.
On the other hand, for the anti-Confederate history crowd: The flag's designer was a woman with the first name Dixie, who lived in a small Iowa town called Knoxville.
5. Maine: Pine Tree or Pro-Jihad? Yeah, sure, the guy on the left is a farmer wearing a straw hat. But tell me it doesn't look much more like a turban.
And both fellas on the flag - the other one is supposedly a sailor - are showing a bit too much naked chest for many people's taste, while holding what appear to be blatant male sex symbols. Add in an Indian chief and a construction worker, and you'd have the Village People.
Meanwhile, a cute-as-a-button little Moose - it could be mistaken for a dachshund puppy with a bowtie - is sunning itself under the State's symbol, the Pine Tree. But the Moose, as we know, is actually a very dangerous animal, which kills more humans in the United States on an annual basis than either Bears or Wolves.
6. New Mexico: Do you believe in separation of Church and State? Then you might not like New Mexico's State flag - which, we concede, would make a very pretty area rug for a den or a college dorm room.
The Land of Enchantment - Hmmmm? - flag features the sacred Sun symbol of the Zia people, a branch of the Pueblo Indian tribes who were among the early inhabitants of the State.
In a blatant religious rite - which, surprisingly, has not yet sparked widespread protests among New Mexico parents - a pledge to the Zia flag is commonly recited in public schools after the U.S. Pledge of Allegiance:
"I salute the flag of the State of New Mexico and the Zia symbol of perfect friendship among united cultures."
Wait until certain football players hear about this! Or PETA, since Zia religious adherents are known to do something called the Buffalo Dance, for which they adorn themselves in the scalps - including horns - of innocent slaughtered Buffalo.
7. Ohio: Did you ever hear of a Burgee? Neither did we. But that's apparently what Ohio's State flag is - Yes, officially! although the only non-rectangular State flag among the 50 States is also called a Swallowtail, as in those pesky little birds from Capistrano.
A Burgee (for all us peasants) seems to be the name for a flag used on yachts and other sailing vessels which are housed at chichi sailing clubs or entered in regattas favored by the One Percent.
So tell us what it's doing as the State flag of a supposedly Heartland State like Ohio? Can you say Elitism?
Moreover, the Ohio Burgee flag is pretty much impossible to fold properly, requiring an entire legislative statute - and an advanced degree in vexillology. No fewer than seventeen very precise folds are required - representing the fact that Ohio was the 17th State to enter the Union. (We're told that Ohio Boy Scouts and Girl Scouts can receive Merit badges for learning how to fold this flag.)
As for the design itself: We think "dartboard" pretty much sums it up.
8. Oregon: In this era of accusations and counter-accusations about what is Real and what is Fake, does Oregon truly want to be known as the only State with a Two-Faced Flag - i.e. with different depictions on its front and back?
While I quite like the little Conestoga wagon with two cunning oxen on the front of the flag - a reference to the esteemed Oregon Trail - the picture on the reverse side is something else again.
It depicts Oregon's very iffy State animal, the Beaver, which almost everyone knows is widely-used slang for feminine private parts. (Based, say the etymologists, on what a fur trapper's beaver pelt looks like.)
We've just been through several months of Hollywood crazies donning pussycat hats for political reasons. Can you imagine Robert de Niro, Madonna, and Michael Moore adopting Beaver-toothed hats as their new protest symbol?
9. South Carolina: Although popular among some flag enthusiasts, South Carolina's Palmetto-Plus-Crescent Moon State flag is disturbing in at least a couple of ways.
First of all, there's the Crescent itself. Presumably, its use on the flag stems from the fact that in the Revolutionary War, South Carolina's crack soldiers wore hats with a Silver Crescent symbol - which is all well and good.
In recent years, however, the Crescent has become a unifying symbol within the religion of Islam, adopted by various Islamic Nationalist groups, among other entities. The Crescent-and-Star emblem is seen at the top of numerous minarets and mosques. And there are Crescent depictions on various National flags of Muslim-majority countries, including Algeria, Turkey, and Brunei.
Of course, associations with revolution-prone groups might not bother many South Carolinians, recalling the fact that the first shots in the U.S. Civil War were fired at State and National landmark Fort Sumter.
But other objections to the Palm-Tree-Plus-Moon flag might come from regular folks who aren't that fond of Modern Art. The Palmetto State flag could easily hang on a gallery wall, among paintings from Vincent Van Gogh, Henri Rousseau, and Paul Gauguin.
10. West Virginia: One look at the State flag of West Virginia, and you see why some Americans might find it offensive. Is it really a flag, or is it a Christmas tree ornament?
You could decorate an entire house for the Holidays using nothing but this kitschy, crimson-beribboned design, which also features a wreath of rhododenron - the State flower - which could easily be mistaken for holly - or maybe mistletoe.
In fact, we suspect numerous flag-adoring West Virginians do exactly that, splurging every December on eggnog mugs, tea towels, dessert plates, and flannel jammies with this jolliest of flag designs.
If we resided in the Mountain State, we would, too.
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Next: A few pesky Monuments and National Parks.
