Among the weirdest and least justified attacks on All-Things-Trump since the election was the one a few days ago by fantasy film director Joss Whedon, best known for the Avenger movies.
Whedon - who has previously ranted and raved against House Speaker Paul Ryan and actress Nicole Kidman - Nicole Kidman??? - this time visited his wrath on First Daughter Ivanka Trump, whom he called a "dog," and her husband, Presidential adviser Jared Kushner, whom he dubbed "Voldemort," after the Harry Potter archvillain.
We'll let others, better versed in the nuances of Potter exegesis, analyze the Voldemort reference. But as for the positively glamorous Ivanka being called a "dog" - we object, not only on behalf of Republican women, but on behalf of all women everywhere.
First of all, judge for yourself. Which of these two people deserves the Dog Tag more?
Granted, Whedon is prettier than, say, Michael Moore - although we're sure Moore, too, was a beautiful baby and that his mother, grandmothers, and aunts all doted on his chubby cheeks.
But criticizing the looks of even as gorgeous a woman as Ivanka Trump has now become part and parcel of the anti-GOP tirades of the frustrated Democrats, several of whom have also made derogatory remarks about the appearance of American-girl-pretty Kellyanne Conway and international-model-pretty Melania Trump.
Let me be clear: One of the primary tenets of true Feminism - and Yes, its counterpart true Masculinism - is that good and nice and sane people should judge women (and men) on grounds other than their superficial appearances. Judge every woman and every man on their intelligence and talent and personality and kindness and decency and . . . . pretty much everything other than how well they look in a bikini or a Speedo.
And, Yes, we believe this holds just as true when Republican men - the offenders are almost always men - make offhand and hurtful remarks about women's looks.
We objected strongly to criticisms of Hillary Clinton's hair, clothes, complexion, and posture during the 2016 campaign. And we protested loudly when then-Candidate Trump dissed the attractiveness of GOP stalwarts Carly Fiorina and Heidi Cruz - both of whom are lovely-looking women, by the way.
We were equally offended when Candidate Trump mocked the looks of his Leftist nemesis Rosie O'Donnell - who resembles perhaps 1 in 3 women of Irish descent, making attacks on her attractiveness an insult to the Emerald Isle itself.
However, as long as angry and thoughtless boys will be boys, and angry and thoughtless men will be men, I offer my sisters - Republican, Democrat, or Other - a way to retort when the Animal Card is foolishly played.
Frankly, most men are just not too imaginative when it comes to this kind of Zoo-buse. They seem to have Limited Menageries. Women are "dogs" - which can be very cute - "pigs" - which are often adorable - or "cows" - symbols of all-American wholesomeness and part of our basic culture.
So the next time someone calls another woman - or you - by one of these standard Animaledictions, tell the nasty so-and-so that if you - or Ivanka - or Rosie - resembles a little doggie (or a little dogie), then he looks just like:
An Axolotl
This exotic Mexican salamander is long-lived for an amphibian - so it's appropriate to compare it to older men. And it's an aggressive carnivore, relishing worms, insect larvae, crustaceans, and even some small fish.
A Shoebill Stork
This resident of African swamps hunts at night - like so many men do. It's antisocial, too, preferring to live in areas uninhabited by humans.
An Alligator Tick
Also called a Giant Water Bug, these nasty beetles have a (human) toe fetish and one of the most painful bites of any insect.
A Star-Nosed Mole
So he thinks He's a celebrity? This Star can detect incipient earthquakes via its eleven pairs of nose tentacles. (But makeup artists despair when it comes on the set.)
A Proboscis Monkey
OK - in profile, this native of Borneo is sorta cute. But his beer belly is enormous, and he lives most of his life in an ivory tower - well, treetop. (Bet he plays video games on the sly.)
A Sand Puppy
This rodent from the Horn of Africa, also called a Naked Mole Rat, is known for a near-complete lack of sensitivity (in its skin), like so many human misogynists. With its tiny eyes, protruding teeth, and crinkly yellowish hide, it will probably remind you of that scary kid who used to throw spitballs at you in grade school.
A Blobfish
Recently voted world's least attractive animal in a U.K. poll, this corpulent Aussie is also low-energy, able to survive simply by floating above the sea floor, opening its large mouth, and ingesting crabs and other creatures whole.
If that doesn't sound like . . . . . Well, I think we all know men who resemble this one.
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Our Founding Fathers and Mothers could not have anticipated Madonna, Michael Moore, and the other Hollywood Visibles shooting their (potty) mouths off after their candidate lost the election.
But the Reb Celebs should be happy they reside in a country where Freedom of Speech is a core value and principle. In many other parts of the world, their recent bombast would be considered Treason. And instead of champagne, caviar, and pussycat hats, their lot might be trials, prisons, and, in some countries, firing squads.
A sampling of the shocking - or just plain silly - remarks spewing from Tinseltown Tinselbrains the past few days:
1. Madonna (Who seems to have been married to Guy Fawkes, not Guy Ritchie): “I’m angry . . . . . I’m outraged . . . . . I have thought an awful lot about blowing up the White House.”
2. Rosie O'Donnell (Does she realize she was inciting a military coup?): "I fully support imposing Martial Law (to) delay the (Trump) inauguration."
Martial Law is defined as "military government, involving the suspension of ordinary law."
3. Tom Arnold (Who clearly has his metal detectors at the ready): In a series of carefully-worded Tweets - at least he knows he's skirting the law - Arnold challenged "gamers" to break into databases and "dig up dirt" on President Trump.
4. Meryl Streep (No wonder she's so good at voices - she hears them): At her Golden Globes speech, Streep implied that Trump's first order of business would be to rid Hollywood of "foreigners," particularly Canadians. (No, we couldn't possibly make this up.)
She went on to say that if the new President "kicked out" all these Canadians, we'd have "nothing to watch but Football and Mixed Martial Arts, which are not the Arts.”
5. Robert De Niro (Casting the first boulder): Tough-guy actor De Niro thought Streep's Golden Globes speech was "great" and "needed to be said."
"I share (Streep's) sentiments about (GOP) punks and bullies," proclaimed the former Raging Bull and Godfather portrayer keeping a straight face, just a few weeks after he said he would "like to punch (Donald Trump) in the face."
6. Barbra Streisand (Logician extraordinaire): The chanteuse-turned-pundit called the President "dangerous and unfit for office."
In a breathtaking demonstration of (il)logic, she opined that Trump ran for office in the first place "to get even with President Obama who once made jokes about him at a White House Correspondents’ Dinner." She further remarked that the President "want(s) to get rid of Obamacare just because of the name."
7. Gloria Steinem (Exemplar of mental health): Steinem said that "some very experienced doctors" had warned the new President showed "symptoms of mental instability." (As opposed to Hillary Clinton barking like a dog? John Podesta communing with space aliens? Or Sally Boynton Brown saying her task as DNC Chair would be to "shut White people down?")
Steinem said women feel "sexually assaulted" by Trump, and implied that both he and his new administration were already - in just a few days? - imposing on American women's "bodily integrity."
8. Tom Ford (The anti-Steinem?) Unlike Steinem, fellow anti-Trump activist and fashion maven Ford seems to want American men's "bodily integrity" to be breached more often.
The designer and cosmetics entrepreneur told GQ Magazine that "men should experience being penetrated at least once in their lives." He said "it would help (men) understand women. It’s such a vulnerable position to be in, and it’s such a passive position to be in." To which most women - especially Steinem - would probably roll their eyes.
In other Ford news, the fashionista loudly proclaimed he would never "dress Melania Trump" - who, as far as we know, is perfectly capable of dressing herself. In a (rather strange) response, hotel man Steve Wynn, a friend of the new First Lady, has banned Ford clothes, cosmetics, and - Oh, No! - sunglasses from his hotels.
9. Charlie Sheen (In-between visits to rehab): The comic actor and veteran of the drug wars is already - one week into the Trump administration - talking up a "Trump impeachment," on the grounds of . . . . Well, he didn't say, but he has called Trump supporters "trolling douchebags," a political term we hadn't heard before.
Much-fired-and-rehired sportscaster Keith Olbermann has also talked up the new President's impeachment and/or forced removal via the 25th Amendment (which talks about life-threatening Presidential medical conditions, like brain tumors or building Border Walls).
And if Olbermann's already on the case, can Whoopi Goldberg, Joy Behar, or Miley Cyrus be far behind?
10. Michael Moore (Slightly Larger Napoleon): Yes, the Emperor of the Alt-Left has been saying silly things about President Trump - and Republicans in general - for what now seems like several centuries. But he's been getting worse and worse, claiming that non-Caucasians who voted for Trump were brainwashed-into-racism, women who voted Republican were brainwashed-into-sexism, and that there is "no way" the new President can last four years in office - which, if not a Treasonous remark, is pretty darn close.
Now, Moore is calling for "100 Days of Resistance to the Trump Regime," up to and including "occupying Washington, D.C."
The last time that happened, we believe, was during the War of 1812.
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