Following in the Democrats' long tradition of Victimization as the preferred path to political empathy, Hillary Clinton claimed in a conference call to donors Saturday that she should have, could have, and would have won last week's Presidential election if not for the bullying of F.B.I. director James Comey - the beast!
Never mind that Comey was praised as a hero by many Clintonistas a few days before the election, when he decided his agency did not, after all, have enough ammunition in Clinton's possible-treason-by-E-mail case to warrant an immediate indictment.
In the aftermath of her stunning defeat, Clinton's trying out the role of the poor little schoolgirl terrorized by the schoolyard Bully. "Mommy, Mommy, Jimmy stuck my pigtail in the inkwell and made me cry."
We fear this is just the beginning. In the coming weeks, Hillary and the Clintonistas may come up with many other beasts, villains, devils, and bullies to blame for their "unfair" loss:
***** Vladimir Putin: "He has a Bromance going with Donald Trump and did everything he could to hurt me. Russian hacking discredited Debbie Wasserman-Schultz and made Bernie Sanders supporters vote Libertarian, Green, or possibly Satanist. Putin also made trouble in Syria just to spite me."
***** Julian Assange: "His operatives are everywhere! And their Mission - if they choose to accept it - is leaking every tidbit of information that could be misinterpreted."
***** Nigel Farage: "He's obsessed with that Brexit business and maintains my friendships with financiers prove I'm the Darling of the Globalists. Untrue! I only talk to my BFF George Soros 4 or 5 times a day."
***** Marine Le Pen: "One little speech in Brazil about Open Borders, and the entire European Right makes me into a demon."
***** Kim Jong-Un: "You think the little so-and-so would have authorized those new nuclear tests if Bernie Sanders were running?"
***** Xi Jinping: "I have no doubt whatsoever he's been waging a Currency War to embarrass Democrats."
***** The Zika Virus: "It caused havoc in Florida, squelching our efforts to register illegal immigrants, felons, drug dealers, and Alzheimer's patients - all of whom, of course, reliably vote Democratic."
***** Hurricane Matthew: "Ditto, except it was the entire Southeast."
***** Scott Baio: "And all those other Adorable Deplorable Celebrities who dared to break ranks with their Hollywood - or Dollywood - brethren. Celebrities are supposed to be Democrats. We made it part of our Platform."
***** The late Justice Antonin Scalia: "How could one man make so much trouble for Hillary Clinton from beyond the grave?"
***** The entire State of Michigan: "Plus all those other back-stabbing States who always vote for Democrats. How dare they thwart an Anointed One's election?"
***** Cruella DeVil: "Because she doesn't like puppies, clearly proving she was a Trump supporter. Is there anyone else we've left out?"
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We all just knew - didn't we? - that Clintonista-In-Chief John Podesta's obsession with UFOs could have dire consequences.
Well, the spaceship may have hit the fan. Word has leaked that the Office of Refugee Resettlement (ORR) has been holding a series of emergency conference calls with government agencies to vet places to house "Unaccompanied Alien Children," whose number now stands at a near-record 59,692 so far in 2016, many of them now detained in prefab housing near the U.S.-Mexico border.
We know what you're thinking. That "Alien" was a slip of the official tongue, and these unaccompanied children are just coming in from the expected places - Mexico, Central America, ISIS training camps . . . .
But what if we're wrong, and the border Wall we need should be situated somewhere in the Stratosphere?
Meanwhile, we're sure, like all children, Alien kids are cuddly and adorable. Soon they'll be up for adoption, and John Podesta may put in a bid for 10.
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Sometimes, topics for PFUN write themselves - as in, "Did he really, truly say that?"
Appearing as a guest on the popular Dallas-based Tom Joyner Morning Show, Barack Obama proclaimed with manic certainty that a President Donald Trump would dig up and destroy First Lady Michelle Obama's White House garden.
"You think I'm joking?" said Obama. To which host Joyner answered, "That is messed up."
After rolling our eyes, every Republican who heard or read about this strange remark - and, we hope, any non-hysterical person in the Other Party - must have had three immediate thoughts:
One: What in the world is Michelle growing in that garden that a President Trump would want to dig up?
Two: As far as we know, Republicans love flowers - and herbs and vegetables and even some shrubs.
And Three: If desperate Dems are making up rumors about the ways a President Trump might "destroy the White House," what other gossip might they come up with next? Some possibilities:
***** Instead of dogs and cats as pets, Trump intends to install - or possibly breed - Komodo dragons, which will patrol the White House Lawn. He will also place an aquarium full of piranhas in the reception area.
***** Trump is going to demolish the Presidential bowling alley and replace it with a Presidential shooting range, run entirely by NRA operatives.
***** All regular Presidential press conferences will be held on Twitter at 3 A.M.
***** Public tours to the White House will be policed by INS agents, and anyone not showing proper documentation will be immediately deported.
***** Invitations to sleep in the Lincoln Bedroom will no longer be open to foreign dignitaries making contributions to the Clinton Foundation on a pay-for-play basis . . . . Oh, Darn! I guess we can't use that one!
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Vote for Clinton, get a Puppy? Not quite. But close.
A Clintonista "green energy" group called NextGen Climate, whose major gazillionaire backers fear an abrupt stop to the annual $1.5 trillion largesse doled out to the Climate Change Industry by the current Democratic administration, are holding numerous "puppy appearances" /get-out-the-Dem-vote events in critical swing states including Pennsylvania, New Hampshire, Nevada, and North Carolina - right up to Election Day.
NextGen strategists and their "National Puppy Coordinator," Nick Ellis, found that their voter registration sign-ups went through the roof, if volunteers made their pitch accompanied by a darling dachshund, cuddly collie, or scintillating baby sheepdog.
So they're extending the idea to last-minute get-out-the-vote efforts, employing thousands of fetching - and fetching - Puppies for Hillary.
Election laws prohibit the Dems from actually giving away puppies in return for votes. But if they could do it . . . . Well, we wouldn't put it past a Party that has already gone to the Dogs.
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